There's a phrase I use that always gets a reaction.

"Stop shoulding on yourself."

That's what we're doing, isn't it? Every time we say "I should be further ahead" or "I should be handling this better" we're basically sh*tting on ourselves. We do it constantly. So automatically that we don't even notice.

The weight you're carrying

Someone said to me recently: "I've achieved everything I set out to do this year. But I just feel tired. I should feel proud. I should be celebrating. But nothing I do is ever actually enough."

There it was. That word. Should.

They weren't carrying the weight of their actual responsibilities. They were carrying the weight of all the expectations about how they should feel, where they should be, who they should be by now.

The thing about expectations is that we rarely examine them. We just carry them around like invisible baggage we've forgotten we're holding.

Until someone asks: "Who decided that?" And we realise we don't actually know.

The gap that breaks us

Your brain compares your expectations to reality. The gap between those two creates stress. The larger the gap, the more stress you feel. You experience that stress as if the problem is your reality, when actually the problem might be your expectations.

Two people, same workload, same challenges. One is stressed to breaking point. The other is managing fine. So what's the difference? It's their expectations. 

Person one thinks they should handle everything without breaking a sweat. That asking for help means they're failing. Person two knows their capacity has limits. Knows that some things are genuinely difficult. That needing support is normal.

Same circumstances. Different expectations. Completely different stress levels.

A special brand of torture

This time of year is brutal for this. Everyone's set goals, they’ve made plans, and declared this will be "their year." Social media is full of people hitting the ground running, telling you everything they achieved in the first month of the year.

Meanwhile, you're still tired from December. Financially stressed from Christmas. Operating in the darkest, coldest months of the year.

So, you're setting ambitious expectations while operating in arguably the worst conditions to achieve them. The gap between what you think you should be doing and what you're actually capable of right now is enormous. And that gap hurts.

The expectations you didn't choose

Most of the expectations that create your stress aren't even yours. They're inherited. Absorbed. Internalised so deeply you think they're your own standards. That voice telling you that you should be further ahead? Where did it come from?

Your parents' definition of success? Your first boss who made you feel inadequate? That colleague who seemed to manage everything effortlessly? Social media posts about people "crushing it"?

When you start noticing where your expectations come from, you realise how many of them you wouldn't consciously choose if someone asked you today. You're carrying around other people's standards. And they're crushing you.

What realistic actually means

Realistic doesn't mean settling. It doesn't mean lowering your standards or giving up on ambition. It means being honest. Realistic means acknowledging your actual capacity, not your ideal capacity. It means working with your current circumstances, not your preferred circumstances.

A realistic expectation for this time of year might be: "I'll maintain what I've built while I adjust to the year's rhythm." That's not unambitious. That's honest. That's working with reality instead of fighting it. Fighting reality is exhausting. And reality always wins.

The language shift that changes it all

Try this for a week. Every time you catch yourself saying "I should," replace it with "I could."

• I should be further ahead → I could be further ahead, and I'm not, and that's information
• I should be able to handle this → I could handle this differently
• I should have figured this out → I could ask for help

"Should" is judgment. It carries weight. Obligation. Implicit failure. "Could" is possibility. It's lighter. It acknowledges options without the crushing weight of expectation.

One creates stress. One creates space.

The questions worth asking

If you're feeling overwhelmed ask yourself:

• Where did this expectation actually come from? Is it mine, or inherited?
• Is this expectation realistic given my actual circumstances right now?
• What would "good enough" look like if I were being honest?
• Am I using this expectation to drive myself forward or to beat myself up?

These aren't easy questions. They require brutal honesty about what's realistic and what's just perfectionism in disguise. But answering them honestly is where the stress starts to shift. 

Your choice

You can continue carrying impossible expectations that create stress before you've even begun. Or you can start afresh with honest expectations that acknowledge where you actually are and what you can actually do.

One leads to burnout, quickly. One leads to sustainable growth continuously.

So stop shoulding on yourself. Start being honest about what's actually achievable given your circumstances, your capacity, and your resources.

There's a difference. And that difference might be the thing that allows you to actually grow this year instead of just grinding through it.

Are you ready to examine what expectations are creating unnecessary stress? Our personal development programmes help you identify and release what's holding you back. Explore what's available at wavesofpotential.com or get in touch at johanna@wavesofpotential.com for a chat about what might work for you.

The tools for change are there. You just have to give yourself permission to use them.